what we make it

http://measureformeasure.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/12/03/which-side-are-you-on
"Which Side Are You On?"
by Suzanne Vega
December 3, 2008
The New York Times

http://dashes.com/anil/2003/01/diamonds-are-fo.html
"Diamonds Are for Never"
by Anil Dash
January 20, 2003

The first article is about how it can be hard to grow up as a mixed-race kid, and how as a adult, Vega's has an interesting sense of what past is "hers." Her (absent) father was Irish, and while she finds some traditional Irish songs very moving, singing them as her own would feel false. Similarly, while she's familiar with Spanish-language songs, singing them as her own wouldn't feel right either (despite being raised as a Puerto Rican).

The second article is about diamonds and engagement rings. It is the sort of thing that might leave one feeling really down about "the practice of marriage" as it exists at present. It might make one feel that the institution of marriage is just too corrupted by false and commercial images, etc.

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They both relate to the thought I have that the world (our world) is what we make it. That is, despite how marriage "is," if you and I are in the business of getting married, then our marriage will be what we make it into. (We take responsibility for our own lives). Indeed, I want to say this about a great many things: that every day, we open our eyes, and it is a new day, and what has been doesn't need to be, and we can make of our (social) world whatever we can make of it.

On the other hand, both articles emphasize how difficult this actually is. Other people, "the culture," is very much under our skin. It would be hard, when getting married, to get away from all the conventions and expectations that surround marriage - especially if our parents have those expectations. (Consider also how Vega remarks that it wouldn't feel right to sing traditional Irish songs - she does not exactly put it as a choice (though she may at least have chosen not to do what doesn't feel right)).

In other words, it is a real effort for one's world to be what one has made it. And if you want to make it with somebody else, they had better be on board. And even still, it'll be hard. (Consider http://endlessrecombination.blogspot.com/2008/12/httpchronicle.html). We get stuck in our ways of going on, in habits we're not even aware of - and which consequently may not be under our control.

(life is hard).